For all that it's worth?

Half days at work are just simply amazing. Especially when supervisors are all on leave for the festive seasons and such. I get to just sit around, use a laptop and wait for time to pass me by.

Let’s talk about people who do not believe in God or something. What’s their afterlife like? I always thought of it like you know? When they die, they just do and it ends there. When the end of the World comes, the whole universe will be just black, no planets, no outer space, no organisms and there won’t even be such a thing called ‘time’. There is nothing to look forward to, nothing to give renewed life. And things remains like that forever, and ever and ever… There won’t even be a new Heaven and Earth as promised by God. Wow, how scary is that?

As a Catholic, of course, I believe in purgatory, afterlife in Heaven and such. However, this scary feeling of afterlife for people who don’t believe in God does  somewhat apply to me other contexts of my life.

It’s a feeling of fear, frustration, helplessness, desperation and the list goes on. It’s just really hard to put it out on words cause, words are generally fucked up when coming to describe feelings or my english probably just suck. But either way, it’s just I don’t know what to expect, what to feel, what to do when I come to think about it. It’s not just about an identity crisis, it’s not just about going through a transition, it’s not just about being in no man’s land at this point of time. It’s all, much more than that.

Moving on, my mind in itself has become a questionaire. “Why do you not care?”, “Why do you have to act like you don’t care?”, “Did you really wanted to give it all a miss?”, “Does all these really mean nothing to you?”, “Do you really not even care about my existence there?”, “Do I really not make a difference to your night?”, “Do you really not want me there?’, ”Do you really not want to be here for the night with me?”, ”Am I really am just all is these to you?”, “Does all these really just mean this much to you?”, “Do you really not want all these at all?”, “Is what I want, and what I want to do with you really not what you want?”. More ‘why-s’, more ‘what if-s’, more ‘do-s, more ‘if-s’… …

Time and time again, actions done and words heard just make me free fall. Free fall away from what I was, what I really am and everthing that I ever thought I could be. I rather be dead, then to feel all of these and to see all of these happening. Its so damm painful, so damm fucking pain. Beyond what words can ever explain. It also instills those feelings in me. The scary feeling of thinking about the afterlife from the perspective of people who do not believe in God. What should I do? What should I feel? What should I expect? Also, the feeling of fear, frustration, desperation, anger and desperation all blended together and all of it being stuck right up at the center of my brain. In other words, it’s ‘mind-fucking’ me. 24-7. Not a minute more, not a minute less.

That’s what fighting for something you really want does to you. That’s what going the distance means. That’s what holding on and keeping faith means. That’s what fighting for true love does to you. That’s what fighting for something real you can have does to you. That’s what fighting for something out of this world you know you can have does to you. That’s what fighting for joy does to you. That’s what carving your future means. That’s what fighting for something you think is totally worth it does to you. But you see, the sad thing is, you can fight alone, and you will fight alone. However, you will not be able to win the battle alone. Somethings, cannot be forced, and it isn’t all about you. In this context, it’s an simple as the saying goes. ‘It takes 2 hands to clap.’.

It is precisely of this fact. It leaves me scared, free falling from everything, helpless, frustrated and a whole load of other emotions which is so hard to express and it will be a never ending list. But whatever it is, I feel lonely, lost, no one gets me, and even if they do, they dont exactly feel the way I do. They don’t feel my desperation, my love I have, all I can give, my pain, my sadness and everything within. I am in it, but like I said, it takes 2 hands to clap. I feel so scared and lost, and I don’t know what to expect, what to feel. I know what I want, but I’m scared things will forever be this way. And if it does, there is only so much I can do. One of which, to wallow like a pussy. I know it is not worth for things to remain this way forever cause there is so much within, so real, so perfect, so ‘happily ever after’ and it will be, I’m sure. But I can only speak for myself and it isnt just about me. Whatever that is appearing and told to me now on the surface, no matter how true and real it is inside it all, are just things I just have to accept. I can’t do shit about it, and that just adds to the desperation, fear and all the other emotions.

Last night was a long, pain and hard night. One of which I can say, was probably one of the worst night of my life. I would rather die or be feeling all that hurt and pain physically with wounds and cuts. Cause then, I will be able to bandage and plaster it up to make me feel better. But the fact is all that pain is coming from my heart, right deep within. And I can’t put a plaster there, can I? Even if I could, what differences would it make.

So many questions to ask, all of it really left unanswered. You asked me, why should you believe? what can I offer? I answered sincerely, and honestly. Along with everything I have said with the answers, I really did mean it. I can be trusted, we are real, we have it all. I can fight alone, I cannot win alone, with my own efforts. These posts are not to get sympathy, pity from people or you, even, in any case. Cause I know I deserve none of those. This is just simply, me.

Everything I said and feel, I meant it. I think of you, us everywhere I go, in everything I see or come across, listen to, eat or even talk about. Cause you mean that much to me. And that is how much I cannot do without you here. Times when I think of you, when I’m at that exact spot we have been,  when I’m lying on the bed we both did before, when I talk about topics we both did before, it never ever will feel the same. Cause you are the difference, you are the impact of it all. Without you, it is not the same, it’s meaningless.

I hope a paradigm shift will occur in you now.
Like. Right now.

Phew, I’m off work.

8 hours of sleep and 2.5 hours of work.
It’s enough to mind fuck me till the end of no return. My head feels like a blender blending up freshly cut up fruits. And that is still an understatement.

“What it is to fight?”
Not fight over lame, trivial matters. But instead fight for something ‘real’, like matters of the heart, or something which you want so bad. POL-ITE double gold and you was the only two things I can say I really wanted since a year ago. With the amount of effort I have put in in tennis throughout the pass year, I think I really fought for it, and I am out of it a satisfied and deserving winner. Of course, I am a better and stronger player on court as well compared to a year back.

Everybody fights for different things. This only proves a point. We as individual perceives things in our own ways and that in itself determines what is worth fighting for. For example, I felt that fighting for that double gold was totally worth it. But even within the team, there were people who felt it was not. What more talk about people who don’t know the game? They probably would have thought of fighting for it as lame and a waste of time.

“To go and fight for something.”
Does it mean you are basically, most of the time, fighting for it on your own? I certainly think so. You fight for something basically because you know it is something that you really want, something more than what others see on the surface, more than what meets the eye. And ultimately you know no matter what you go through, no.matter.what, it is all totally worth it. Regardless if, you win the battle or not. Cause when you choose to go for something, it was your own decision. No one said it is easy, no one said they are with you, neither did anyone say it will be your way eventually. It is in your own self believe, you decide what is worth fighting for, and to what extend you will go to fight for it. You bear the consequences if it ends up being fucked up but on the contrary, if the good Lord blesses you, then good for you, you get to sow the rewards.
‘And they live happily ever after…’

To really go out and fight for something, makes us warriors. Another Magnus Maximus, another Aragorn. But like any other big bosses in games, no matter how tough they are, no matter how hard they are to beat, they are always made with a point of weakness, somewhere. Be it a soft spot which deals more damage, or a glitch in the game. This is the way, fighting goes. We all have these soft spots, these glitches. There will be happenings, be it be big or small, along the way which will hurt us. Some of it as surface wounds, some of it, plunged deep right into our soft spots, our hearts. Some people just die there, some people get up, recover and go again all depending on how they perceive whatever they are fighting for, and whether they feel it’s worth to go the distance. But I’m saying, it’s okay to fall, it’s okay to die for awhile, it’s okay to just burst out screaming in pain, or in tears. That isn’t being a pussy. That is being human, being emotional and expressing. That, is being brave. Ultimately, I just know, if you have had long ago decided it is worth fighting for, you go the full distance, and never ever back out. No half-fucking around. In means in, out means out. No reasons, no excuses.

“Faith?”
Having faith is good, is necessary, without a doubt. But God never did say that we do not have to do anything, and just sit back, relax and let him lead the way. Never did he say that, neither will he ever say that. The past can only be left untouched, the future we can only imagine, hope and have faith in. Obviously, what we imagine it to be, is what we want and hope for in that future of ours. However, people often overlook what we do in the present, to an extend, is what decides our future.
‘I used to think life had a plan for me, until I realized life had to be planned by me’
I have faith, a reasonably good amount of it. But I’m done letting my life slip by.
“Get a grip, Bryan.”
I know what I want, and I’m in fighting for it. I cannot just sit back, wait and hope my life will unfold the way I want it to be. Cause fuck life, it does not happen that way. It never did, and never will. I am out, out to fight for it. That is all I ever want, all I ever need in my future. And it’s time I use my own hands to carve out what I want and desire, no matter how much it takes.
“You hear me? Just you wait, I promise I’ll get there.”

God gave us freedom of expression. That is one evil thing. Expression includes feelings, what we say, and much more beneath it all. The thing is that, no one ever knows how we really feel. I think God made words in a way where it will never be able to justify feelings. And I mean it. ‘I love you.’, ‘I miss you.’, ‘I hate you.’. All these can be said. But these will never be able to describe and justify everything the one who said it feels. Freedom of expression also means, you can say whatever you want, even if that is not what you feel. People all around does that, no matter what the reason behind is. That is fucked up. I wished God built a lie detector in us. So that we can see the truth in being said and done. That way, this world will be less complicated, less dull. But He didn’t, and there is only so much we can do about it. Somethings cannot be forced, indeed it can’t. That’s why it’s called ‘freedom of expression.’

“How true is a truth is determined solely by the person you tell the truth to.”
Complicated much? Tell me what in life isn’t?
This statement is the ultimate truth. You see, as said above, no one ever knows exactly how you feel, no matter what you say, or do. Even if that is the ultimate truth, one that is fucking deep from the bottom of your heart, sincere, frank or whatever it may be, if the person you tell that to does not believe you, what kinda truth is that? Nothing, totally nothing more than a lie you could have told him or her. That is the sad truth we live with. It is not about how much truth you have in whatever you say, it’s about how much the other party chooses to believe in whatever you say. Be it be totally true, or be it be a bunch of lies. Even lies, can become truths in this way. That is again, freedom of expression, cause it includes believing in whatever you want to either. And if a person pushes away the truth you have said, you can’t do fuck shit about it, cause it’s again, and again, freedom of expression.

Our minds, no matter how brilliant it is, and it is said to be. Has it’s own limitations and that in itself, at times, makes us retards. Doubts, fears and everything fucked up around us can come and go as and when it likes, and it mind fucks us bad. It stops us from seeing the truth, the real truth behind it all. It stops us, from feeling what we really do. It stops us from going for what we want. It makes us give up all that we could and can have. It makes us run away, it makes hide from it all. If our minds are that brilliant, won’t we be able to know and avoid all these? But whatever that can be said, our minds are the way it is. It takes a lot to go around all these, to search within all these to find out the truth and whatever that is beneath all of these. And to want to go through it, is totally determined by oneself. Cause there is no way, one can force one to stop running away, to stop letting doubts and fears affect a person and to see the picture from a step back with our oh-so-brilliant minds.

All that I’ve said and done, I know my wrong and all I’ve said is true and promised as well as guaranteed, whether it is taken in or not cause yeah, like I said, how true is a truth is determined solely by the one you tell the truth to. And you cannot force one to believe. But just know, yes, all I’ve said and done is the truth deep within my little heart that beats for you.

You see, in this world, I can really say, no one is really happy. But whether we like it or not, that is the way life is. And all we can do as humans and as people who has to live through this, is to fight for whatever that can make us happier people.

“Without pain there is no joy,
Without crosses, there are no resurrections.”

In whatever context it may be, it is always the pain that makes things more worthy. The more pain, the more worth, the more joy. It’s all about picking it up, believing in it, fixing it up, and making it all work.

If only you knew this song was about you;

suddenly the sky is orange after the rain, i’ve no idea how it cleared so fast. i want to say i’m sorry for all the pain, i swear i never meant it. then again i don’t know if you even remember that i’m still here. holy mama the sky looks so pretty, it reminds me of you. shared a kiss in the lift, no one knew. held each others faces close to one another, i could feel your breath. but now its no longer there. no matter how much i care about you. held your hand under the table, no one saw. drew along the lines of your solid palms. i miss you. and i wish i could see you again.

you know, everything this is. its because you’re worth it. you’re worth the love, the thoughts, the tears, the longing, everything. you’re worth the wait, being alone, and the hope. you’re worth the heart, the pain, the smiles, the late night wishes. you’re worth the same song on loop, you’re worth dressing up for, you’re worth all my excitement. you’re worth the screams you’re worth my time you’re worth my nightly fatigue you’re worthy of my all. and on top of that, you’re worth me missing you every 12 hours from midnight to noon.

I am finding out that maybe I was wrong
That I’ve fallen down and I can’t do this alone

Stay with me, this is what I need, please?

Sing us a song and we’ll sing it back to you
We could sing our own but what would it be without you?

I am nothing now and it’s been so long
Since I’ve heard the sound, the sound of my only hope

This time I will be listening.

Sing us a song and we’ll sing it back to you
We could sing our own but what would it be without you?

This heart, it beats, beats for only you.
This heart, it beats, beats for only you.

This heart, it beats, beats for only you.
My heart is yours.